Tommy's Gardening Tips                                                    BACK TO HOME : ARCHIVE INDEX

Hello there all you green-fingered friends - Tommy here!

For the next six weeks, while Steve takes his well-deserved rest, I will be offering advice on any of your horticultural problems. We all know that golf and gardening go hand-in-hand, so if you have any queries just let me know at the usual address, and I will do my best to send you all up the garden path.

I must say, I have been astonished with the response to my 'gardening tips' page. This week, 2 queries from opposite ends of the UK concerning 'grass' - (and I don't mean the type for smoking either Innes)!

Firstly, from quite close at hand:

Dear Dez, I am so pleased to have received your letter. It immediately transported me back to my schooldays when all the lessons were taught in Latin and we used a slate and bit chalk for writing with. Not that I'm old you understand, but the Kinloch Primary was a new 'state-of-the-art' skale when I was a laddie. Anyway Dez, I am most disappointed that you are even considering eradicating dandelions, daisies and clover from your grass given that many species, particularly bees, are currently suffering as a result of the effects of global warming on their fragile habitat, brought about by the policies of the likes of George Dubbya and the greed of capitalist corporations such as Stan, frae Mid Craigie's employers, fronted by Dick Cheney, who don't give a hoot about your lawn or mine .... (sorry got carried away there). My best advice to you David, is to let your grass grow and create a wildlife sanctuary in Westhaven Park. That way, you will never have to cut the grass again!

Yours conservationaly, Tommy.

And from the Republic of Cornwall:

Dear Gus,

It is so nice to hear from an overseas member, even though I am reliably informed you are related to that young upstart Captain Holland. Young naval officers have never really been my cup-of-tea, having served under them for a number of years. If I may, I would like to recount one particular incident which will serve to illustrate my point. Having been assigned by a young First Lieutenant to ship's rail painting duty and subsequently having completed the task, I made and displayed a sign which read,  'WEET PENT THE NOO'. The officer, one of our cousins from south of the border, spotted this and inquired, "I say Hone (English for Horne), what does this nonsense mean"? "It's to bring the crew's attention to the wet paint Sir", I dutifully replied. "How could it possibly attract anyone's attention if they can't understand what the damn sign says"? he said. "Well it certainly attracted your attention, Sir", I replied. "Jolly good work Hone, carry on", said the officer and strolled off. Now, you see what I mean about officers, Merchant Navy included! Anyway, to get back to your garden Gus: The PH level of your soil is worryingly acidic. In fact, battery acid is only one grade above that of your soil. I would recommend buying several hundred bottles of 'Milk of Magnesia', (remember it used to come in a lovely indigo-coloured glass bottle) and pour it all over your grass, thus increasing the alkalinity of your soil. In this way your soil will instantly become more porous, eliminating the need for aeration, allowing your grass to rapidly regenerate and able to withstand even the most rigorous practice chipping sessions.

Yours reminiscingly,

Tommy          

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