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Every week we will publish a selection of reader's e-mails along with the Committee's response. So keep these mails coming in folks.

 

Sorry for the delay in up-dating our website. The lure of Silverstone has set back the system by several days. We are however back on the golf trail and this week, three mails - one - it has to be said - from a rather bitter, not to say twisted, Captain Campbell and another from a gentleman whose name sounds extremely familiar and one from his brother!

 

From: "neil holland" <neilholland@hotmail.co.uk>   Import addresses neilholland@hotmail.co.uk  Block email neilholland@hotmail.co.uk   Block SMTP relay hotmail.com
To: admin@stationmasters.org.uk
Subject: ducks 		All headers
All attachments
Took this photo on the Buddon, I think it is superb, and have also sent to
the links committee who may be putting on their website. I thought  I would
also share it with our members
 

   

 

Dear Neil

Thank you so much for this heart-warming image of a Mother and her brood. I have to say that you were perhaps extremely lucky to have captured such an idyllic scene, given the horrors that can await ducklings such as those pictured. Notwithstanding the wiley fox or the jealous swan, there is another more formidable predator I think you should be reminded of: "Campbell the Duck Slayer". The notorious incident in question happened some time ago when Captain Campbell had the benefit of at least 20% of his vision when driving (its now 0% by the way). Travelling between Monifieth and Carnoustie one sunny morning, the Captain had occasion to stop at temporary road works traffic lights. Being first in the queue he was oblivious to those behind. In the meantime - a family of ducks - not dissimilar to those pictured, taking advantage of the pause in traffic, had decided to cross the carriageway whilst the lights were at red. Unknown to Captain Campbell, an eye-witness who happened to be driving in the car directly behind him, and who shall remain nameless, was horrified when Campbell 'the murderer' on sight of the green light, pressed the pedal to the metal and mowed down the family of ducks in one fell swoop. Isla was quick to report this massacre to the Committee but when questioned, Campbell admitted he did see something, but he thought they were rabbits! You will be pleased to learn the Captain has now decided to 'hang up' his driving licence.

Yours thankfully,

The Committee.

And from someone with a rather familiar surname:

To: <admin@stationmasters.org.uk>
Subject: Memebership 		All headers
All attachments
Dear Sir,
 
I have visited your website and am considering applying for membership. Can you give me some information please?
  • Am I a Senior at 56?
  • How much would my Country Membership cost?
  • How long is your waiting list?
  • Does being on the waiting list give any rights or privileges for the Open e.g free entry, reserved seating at the 18th etc?
  • Is a jacket and tie compulsory in your Clubhouse?
  • Is being related to several current very Ordinary Members an advantage?
 
Alan Holland

Dear Mr Holland,

Thank you for your rather abrupt and formal mail. Unfortunately Alan, you cannot simply apply for membership of our prestigious Club.  Access is by invitation only!  Now, if we can address your other queries, the answers are:

Notwithstanding the above, please feel free to speak to the Committee when you next visit Carnoustie, which we are led to believe is imminent. Its surprising what a couple of pints can do.

Yours, weneedanotherHollandlikeaholeintheheadedly,

The Committee.

 

To: "stationmasters"
Cc:
Subject:

 

Dear Vice Captain Simpson,

I take exception to the articles posted on our website by the two Carnoustie chouchters, 'Slim Pickens' Reid and Tommy 'Black Fingers Horne'. I think that since the townies have taken over, with their superior knowledge of gardening, golf and football, they appear to be slightly envious. I have to say, Tommy's Tips are as about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike or perhaps a chocolate fireguard. I would further suggest that his son, Innes, keeps making sand castles at Montrose beach cos he sounds about as good a gardener as his old man. In conclusion Slim, keep taking the coos in, and Tommy keep on playing the fiddle in the lobby and please refrain from telling your granny how to suck eggs!

Yours vitrioliclly,

Captain Campbell.

p.s. I will deal with Captain Holland at a later date.

    (the foregoing e-mail has been substantially edited to render it suitable for publication - The Editor)

 

Dear Captain Campbell,

We feel you must arise above the insults and innuendo thrown at you by ordinary members such as the 'Green Tractor Man' and the 'Erstwhile Plumber'. Just bask in the glory of your position as Captain and revel in the knowledge that you are superior to them in many ways. The fact that you are shite at gardening should not have any bearing on your relationship with them.

Yours philosophically,

Vice Captain Simpson.     

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