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Every week we will publish a selection of reader's e-mails along with the Committee's response. So keep these mails coming in folks.

This week, several mails from you ordinary members and non-members, including one with a rather sinister undertone and potentially serious allegation. On a lighter note, Tommy's Gardening Tips has attracted a large response including one from a close family member:

To: admin@stationmasters.org.uk
Subject: Tommy's Gardening Tips 		All headers
All attachments
I am writing in response to Captain Campbell's remarks regarding the old fiddler turned Gardening expert, Tommy.
Tommy is my father and I have known Mr Campbell for years, Hello Wattie!!!!
My father is a better horticulturalist than yourself Wattie, apparently you didn't know the difference between chives and leeks--- HA HA !!!.
 
As you yourself smoke a pipe, put that in your pipe and smoke it !!!!!
 
Yours Truly,
Innes Horne.
(Son of Tommy and a Time-Served Greenkeeper).

 

Dear Innes,

It is so nice to hear from someone outwith the Club, who actually reads our Website. You must be so proud of your ageing father's depth of knowledge and wisdom when it comes to gardening. It's a pity we can't say the same for his golf! Hopefully, Daddy will be able to pass on some useful tips to the ordinary members, which will in turn, enable them to relax and enjoy their golf game even more. In the meantime, thank you for pointing out Captain Campbell's inadequacies when it comes to horticultural affairs. Keep logging on.

Yours gratefully,

The Committee (apart from the Captain). 

With regard to the next mail, we would advise all readers who are of a nervous disposition or prone to high blood pressure, to look away now.

To: "'admin@stationmasters.org.uk'" <admin@stationmasters.org.uk>
Subject: "Peeping tom" officials 		All headers
 
Dear sirs,
              I wish to bring this to the attention of Capt Campbell and
Vice Capt Simpson before any scandal breaks regarding fellow committee
members.

I was about to tee up at the 1st for my regular Sunday morning game,
accompanied by a senior committee member, a junior committee member and our
illustrious resident professional. One of these three seemed more intent in
studying the bedroom windows of the hotel, suddenly exclaiming his success
in spying a scantily clad young lady passing the window. What followed was
straight out of a "Benny Hill sketch" as the other two clamoured over
themselves to join in this rather sordid and distasteful display of
vulgarity. I am pleased to report I took no part in this embarrassing
display and launched my drive 265 yards down the fairway. Due to  the
seniority of the personnel involved I will understand if you wish to keep
this incident confidential, but perhaps you should consider some sort of
appropriate retribution.

Yours in sport.

Dez Muir  Ftas
 

 

Dear Dez,

Firstly, can Captain Campbell and I congratulate you on having the fortitude and courage to clipe on Committee members of this standing, who shall remain nameless. It is indeed alarming that young men should act in this manner, and how you managed to concentrate on your golf game while scantily-clad young ladies paraded themselves in front of Elliot, Chappie and Steve Logan, is a miracle. Come to think of it, I used to enjoy the odd Benny Hill sketch, particularly when scantily-clad ladies were prevalent. You are however correct to suggest that some sort of punishment should be levied in respect of the perpetrators of this disgraceful incident, especially in light of the fact that the Hon. Secretary had his digital camera with him that day and didn't even manage to record a fleeting glimpse of any scanties!

Yours pervertedly,

Vice Captain Simpson.

p.s. What does Ftas stand for? 

 

Hot off the press - a mail from 'GREEN TRACTOR MAN' who shall remain nameless:

To: admin@stationmasters.org.uk
Subject: BALLS-UP AT BALLATER 		All headers
All attachments
On our recent annual jaunt up North, I was shafted yet again by the deadly Dundee duo. On the 4th hole at Ballater, both  peh-men  were lost in the bushes, and I was down the middle, so, without too much effort, I holed out for a 5. My smug look was erased when one Dundee gadgie said he had 6, net 5, as he only had to count 1 stroke for being lost. Accepting defeat as graciously as ever, and not wishing to create a scene, I let them have their moment of glory, but would welcome the chance to say "Get it right up ye's", by asking for a committee decision on this matter.
 
Yours Pistaffidly
The Country Loon
PS On reading (and supporting) Tam's comments regarding the Captain's gardening skills, I composed this little ode:    
"Though Walter is a CULTURED  man, his culture isn't HORTY
His cure for rust on roses is some WD40
The lovely red tomatoes in HIS greenhouse you won't see
(He gets them in the Copey, special Buy one, get one free!)

 

Dear Norman (sorry... Country Loon),

Thanks especially for your lovely poem, although we suspect that your good lady, Wilma, had a hand in the composition!

With regard to your trip up North, it was initially the Committee's view that 'it serves you right!' Imagine going away, on holiday, for a relaxing golfing trip..... with Dundee gadgies, one from Fintry and one from Mid Craigie, who shall remain nameless. Both Stan and Meekie are well known to have taken advantage of us rural dwellers in the past, claiming that because we don't come fae the toon, we somehow don't have a grasp on reality. Anyway - how is your green tractor Norr, I love it - so strong and powerful, ploughing through the countryside...(sorry got carried away). Getting back to your query Country Loon, I'm afraid the gadgies have pulled the sheep's wool over your eyes. Rule 27 (1) clearly states that:

If a ball is lost or is out of bounds, the player must play a ball, under penalty of one stroke, as nearly as possible at the spot from which the original ball was last played (see Rule 20-5).

PENALTY FOR BREACH OF RULE 27-1:

Match play – Loss of hole; Stroke play – Two strokes.

(The R&A Rules of Golf, 2007)

It is therefore no use crying wolf and bleating about a lost ball when you can't find it. The perpetrator should have played a provisional off the tee! We also suspect that it was the Mid Craigie element of the gadgie duo who blatantly cheated and denied you of your rightly deserved victory. You must appreciate Norman, that whilst our ruling has no official bearing whatsoever, it may however lead the vertically challenged, cheating Arab into owning-up, as any self-respecting Club member would. 

Yours decisively,

THE COMMITTEE.

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