Reader's Letters Page                                            BACK TO HOMEPAGE

Every week we will publish a selection of reader's e-mails along with the Committee's response. So keep these mails coming in folks.

You will all be delighted to know that the minor technical hitch when some idiot deleted incoming mail has now been rectified. So this week we have a bumper mail bag. Without further ado - firstly a mail from a regular contributor:

From: Innes Horne <cactushorne@hotmail.com>        To: SMGC <admin@stationmasters.org.uk> Subject: Gardening Proof	All headers
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Dear Jim, In your response to my previous email, you stated that there was evidence to prove that my dad, Tam Horne was indeed a better gardener than Captain "Birdseye" Campbell and that the pictures would be posted on the site in due course.     Well, where are they?     Yours, Pissedoffedly   Innes Horne.

Dear Innes,

How nice to hear from you again all the way from Montrose. We cant wait to come up there for a dook and try out the new baths when they're done-up at the most reasonable cost of £10 million quid to all the other taxpayers in Coonciland.

Anyway Innes, with regard to your dad being a better gardener than Captain Campbell - we were being slightly economical with the truth... In fact we were lying! In a misguided attempt to bolster your dad's flagging self-esteem, we invented the story that your pater was greenfingered. Everyone knows that Captain Campbell is by far a more competent horticulturalist than the erstwhile plumber. It just so happens we do have photographic evidence to prove this. The Captain, along with yours truly, recently displayed a small selection of his garden produce in the Club and as you can see below, the table can hardly bear the weight. Your dad however is reduced to raking about in the freezer for his produce, his crop growing days over! We are heartily sorry to have to break the news to you in this way. Perhaps you'd like to write in with a few tips for the old grump?

Yours deviously, Vice Captain Simpson.

And now - a mail from an indignant sibling:

From: Sheilaandangus@aol.com        To: stationmasters@stationmasters.org.uk Subject: Re: NEIL'S AULD SHIRT	All headers
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Dear Vice Captain Simpson,   Sorry for the delay in replying.   I've just got back from the Shetland Islands a couple of hours ago.   THE SARTORIAL CAPTAIN HOLLAND   I feel I must respond to the recent unjust criticism of Captain Holland's tailoring.   We Holland's were taught tae look after oor claithes and he is to be commended on his frugality.   He is also to be commended on flatly refusing to wear a toupee despite the fact that it is guy cald up there the noo.   Yours Big Brotherly,   Gus Holland

Dear Angus,

How is the republic of Cornwall?  As we speak I am enjoying a lovely glass of scrumpie - I feel it helps me relax. We must apologise for the mix up regarding the deleted mail, not that the scrumpie had anything to do with it. Anyway Angus, I see you have just returned from the Shetland Islands. What we ask, could possibly entice southern englander republicans to visit the Shetlands at this time of year? I'm afraid your brother, who shall remain nameless, spilt the beans. Yes... Neil mentioned that you were attending the Up Helly Aa celebrations. He did say that he had been before but had felt that unless you were a pyromaniac who liked wearing fur skirts and a pointy hat, then one might feel excluded!

To get back to the point of your mail Angus, - we appreciate that Neil is rather frugal, especially when it comes to buying a round. With regard to his dress sense we were perhaps slightly hard on him. The photo below, taken last week, shows him in a more 'professional' style. The other photo however, taken not 2 hours ago in the Club shows that 'old habits die hard'. We rest our case..........

Yours goneforaburtonly,

Vice Captain Simpson.

Capt Holland in professional mode                                              and in normal gagie mode

and speaking of Captain Holland - criticism of the Committee:

From: neil holland <neilholland@hotmail.co.uk>        To: Stationmasters <admin@stationmasters.org.uk>	All headers
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Hi It is customary for the winner of an event to comment on the good work of the organisers.  Having been in the winning team in the recent Texas scramble held by the Station Masters Golf Club I feel obliged to make some comment on the organisation or lack of it as the case may be. Unfortunately it is not possible to thank the committee for their efforts because they showed little consideration for the competitors on the day.  It was noted the committee, showing no small degree of selfishness, went out first and left a free for all on the 1st tee. No times were allocated and people were arguing about who should be next on the tee resulting in some melees and almost fisticuffs. Some people were left hanging around the tee for up to 45 minutes in extremely cold conditions.  I would appreciate if in future when running events the committee would give some thought to the participants by making an effort to organise things properly. I would take this opportunity to thank my team mates ie the Pro, Des and Rodney for their sterling performances which enabled us to win the event.  Particular thanks to Des for the pre event breakfast and the rousing team talk. Yours organisedly Captain Neil Gordon Holland

Dear Captain Holland,

We must say, we find the tone of your mail rather disconcerting given the nature of your so-called 'win'. We will deal with this point in due course. With regard to your other complaints we would comment as follows:

The whole nature of the day in question is to meet up as a group to share our wonderful Christmas experiences prior to taking to the course. This would not be possible if we were to turn up in 'dribs and drabs'. Despite your observation, a considerable degree of organisation takes place before, during and after the event and for this reason, tradition dictates that those responsible for the complex organisation take up an early tee-time to facilitate the smooth transition from golf course to Clubhouse, ensuring that all results are collated in a fair and professional manner. It is perhaps an indictment on certain sections of the membership and indeed a vindication for the Committee when, left to your own devices without supervision,  you descend, by your own admission, into an unruly mob on the tee. With regard to your 'win', you will recall that the Committee magnanimously endorsed the result despite allegations of cheating from other competitors. This centred round the fact that one of your team was not in possession of an official handicap and rather than bring this to the attention of the Committee, you simply awarded him a handicap as you saw fit!  Finally Neil we must make mention of your alleged gluttony in the Club after the match when anecdotal reports indicated that your team had several plates of soup each, thus denying 'Green Tractor Man' even one plate much to his chagrin.

You will however be pleased to know that the Committee has reviewed the tee-off procedure and has decided that next year, in line with all major competitions, the tournament holders will tee-off last!

Yours  mostfairly,

THE COMMITTEE

Remember - if you feel you have to praise the Committee for anything, send us a mail.

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